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post partum (2005-01-15 - 12:08 p.m.) While searching for pictures of "shockingly beautiful" on Google, all I got were pictures of knives. My bloodclots feel like they're getting worse. Last night I went to a techno dance party. We had two strobe lights and we were all dressed like we were from the future. Best party ever. Except for Molly and Paul, the cute couple. Reminded me so much of Joel and I. I would just stop dancing for a minute and bite my lip, watching them flirt - organically flirt - in between the flashes of the strobe. The words that are on continual track in my head are, What do I do now? I'm alienating everyone, that's for sure. My intensity is frightening my friends. And acquaintances, like the blue eyed skateboarder who I keep asking about how he got over his girlfriend of over a year. It's so hard having to be around him and not talk to him, not touch him; I'm not even looking at him. He made a huge point of catching my eye right in front of me before he walked out the school, stopped right in front of me, three feet away - what do I do? I look up at who's looking at me. And there's that familair flash of green and compassion and fear and shame - what do I do now?! I was shaking so hard, wanting to chase after him, almost did. Gripped the key in my coat pocket and wanted to chase after him so I could stab him in the back. Then at the party last night Caitlin got so mad at me, my best friend, my only support right now - got so angry at me for something trivial. I felt so abandoned, and that she was so selfish. It's my turn to be hurt. Then there are other boys. There was another boy at that party, so cute. Wanted me to walk with him - but I didn't, I'm too frightened. My dad started crying when I told him about the breakup, "I hate to see you so upset - you're so upset. I want Annie back. I want Anne-scuran-a-doodle-bug back." Missed anything? |